5 Things to NEVER Say to Your Child

Guest post by Coach Carl founder of Every Child Healthy. Get your copy of his ebook Building Champions For Life for free until Sunday, March 20!

Every parent would agree that they love there children. Perhaps even more than you have ever loved anyone. However, most children, especially the weight challenged children, may remember things that you have said to them years ago, that keep them from experiencing love.

Before I became a father, a friend of mine told me, “of all the thing I could tell you about being a dad, the one thing I will say is this, once it leaves your mouth you cannot take it back.”

That statement stayed with me, just like the things you have said to your child, positive or negative, will stay with them.

Let’s remember that we are all human. We say things we don’t mean. We say things we wish we wouldn’t have. And of course we justify them instead of forgive and ask for forgiveness.

Has there been a time in the past when you may have said something to your child you wish you hadn’t?

Like any parent, I am sure the answer is yes. Even things you didn’t realize you said or meant to say you children remember. No matter what it is remember to clean up your words quickly. Apologize, forgive and ask for forgiveness as quickly as you can. Heal the matter or your children will act out those words as they grow older.

They will act it out in forms of poor eating, poor choices and lifestyle.

There are 5 things you should never say to your child. If you have or are saying them STOP! Apologize when you catch yourself saying them and heal the situation.

1. “What’s wrong with you?”

How might a child, tween or teen hear this question? Your child hears this question like this: “I am wrong, stupid and there is something wrong with me, so therefore, I am not LOVED.”

If you don’t understand why your child does what they do, ask them, seek to understand and know that the opposite of love is indifference. Children do just about everything to feel loved and worthy. The more they misbehave the more love and self worth they are trying to gain from you.

2. “You’re to young to understand.”

On the contrary! Children, tweens and teens are smarter they we give them credit for. They’re smarter than most of us were as children. Children have impressionable minds and they can figure out just about anything.

Telling them they are too young say to them that “they need to grow up faster”, that they are “not smart enough or worthy enough to understand.” That is simply not TRUE.

If your child does not understand something, they guide them to understanding. Don’t throw their age in the face.

Lastly, don’t you want your child to know things so that later in life they don’t learn it the hard way? Remember, its better for your child to make mistakes NOW and so they can become enlightened by YOU rather than the world?

3. “I told you so.”

This is my fathers all time favorite. This statement clearly punished a child and causes them to believe that your need to be right is more important than your love for them. Making a child feel wrong is an easy thing to do, unfortunately. No child appreciates or learns or grows by hearing “I told you so”.

I can remember times when my father would say “I told you so” just to be right, but not be helpful. Just to prove a lesson to me but never actually teach me the lesson. In fact, sometimes parents set their own kids up to say “I told you so”. It’s a great way to defeat your own child. Then shortly after you tell them how much you love them; it’s hardly believable.

You and your child are on the same team. Don’t’ ever forget to remember that!

Rather than have you correct them after the fact with an “I told you so” want you want to do is ask your child questions and give them choices to think about so they can be responsible for their actions.

Saying “I told you so” only teaches your child that you are the answer and NOT them. Building a resourceful child is building a champion for life who is RESPONSILBE for their life and actions.

4. “This is my house, it’s my way.”

Did your parents ever say that to you? What’s interesting is that when you threaten a child and the relationship you instantly take away a child’s primary NEED to feel safe. Home is the only place people have to accept you, love you and take you in. Once you threaten the home you instantly rob your child of feeling safe, feeling powerful and scare them into doing things your way, which are NOT always the best way.

This statement shows a clear lack of ability of the parents. That is the only reason why some parents say this. They have reached a point of frustration and they don’t know what else to do, so they threaten their own child to STOP the frustration and put an end to it.

It’s the ultimate, “I will show you who’s boss.” That’s not parenting, would you threaten your boss that way? NO. Even if you don’t like your job you still wouldn’t talk with your boss that way, and yet some people find it acceptable to treat their flesh and blood, their heart and soul this way?

Your way does not work for everyone. Being able to adapt to your child so that everyone can experience what they want makes life easier for you as the parent and your child. The world is challenging enough, we don’t need conflict and threats at home also.

Let go of your attachment to “who owns the house” and include your child in a conversation that starts with empathy.  You don’t need to threaten to have a child listen, just give them choices, support them in choosing the best one that works for you and them.

Children are very willing to listen when they don’t have to defend themselves with their own parents.

5. “Shame on you”.

I asked a group I was speaking to this question, “can anyone explain to me how saying to a child “shame on you” is helpful?

Parents often do this in public, so that others around them don’t think they are NOT a good parent and they are disciplining their child.

WRONG approach.

Some parents do this because they actually cannot believe their own child did something inappropriate.

WRONG approach.

When a parent feels embarrassed by their own child that does not justify SHAMING your own child. Remember, the opposite of love is indifference. Children make mistakes and they will become indifferent to find a way to get loved and feel worthy of being loved.

Shaming them is the ultimate self worth killer, not to mention, it kills their passion and presence in life.

When I am in a group of children I can easily spot the children who’s parents shame them. They are always the ones with their heads down, hunched over afraid to be SEEN. They don’t want anyone to know them because they might find out how unworthy they feel on the inside, and NO ONE will love them if they are discovered.

This is exactly what happens on the inside when your child hears this.

Be the better parent, the parent who sees the champion within their child and always seeks to bring out the champion in their child. There is NOTHING your child can do to deserve the shame on you phrase.

If you find yourself saying this, step back, breathe and realize who this child really is. Amazing, precious and a little of track in that moment of misbehaving, so bring them back to being a champion and lovingly help the child figure out FOR THEMSELVES how to better show up in life. Keep in mind, children are feedback machines. If you listen to the feedback they give you, you will be able to support them and help your child support themselves.

Anyone of the above statements will increase the likelihood of your child putting on more and more weight, experiencing less passion and freedom to live their to life, to discover life and most of all take responsibility for their lives.

As always, Every Child Healthy mission is to educate, empower and inspire parents, children, tweens and teens to become champions for life.

Blessings,

Coach Carl

Founder of Every Child Healthy

You can download his ebook Building Champions For Life for free!

This link will only be available until March 20, 2011.